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Boneless Chicken

Camel

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Love me to the end.

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For the Holiday Season!!

Christmas Cheer--we could all use a few laughs.... :)

Funny Stuff...

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The National Highway Safety Council has done extensive testing on a
newly designed seat belt. Results show that accidents can be reduced by as
much as 45% when the belt is properly installed.

Correct installation is illustrated below:

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
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OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
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SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
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GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
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LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot
more willing to die.
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PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
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DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
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HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing
the same thing to them at funerals.

HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one......... Brian Hester invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Mrs. Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: Dear Mother: I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

A man gets into his seat on an airline, which is about to take off, when another man with a sniffing dog joins him, nice dog he replies "the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search."

Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm.

He says, "Good boy."

The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her upon arrival."

"Fantastic!" replies the first man.

Once again, he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so, again, I'm making a note of this and the seat number."

"I like it! " says the first man.

A third time, the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and, after a while, sits down next to someone. He then comes racing back,
jumps up onto his seat, and poops all over the place.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks, What's going on?"

The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!"

They Walk Among Us

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.
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IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce".

" He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg".
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IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
"Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"

To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"

He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
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IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded,

"What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
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IDIOT SIGHTING:

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully,

"this is fun. We should do this more often."

Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
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IDIOT SIGHTING:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the
life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
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IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my spouse and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."

Thoughts from a retired person.

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it'.

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

Strange - when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do -- write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.